PIMP TEETH

µFTIR or "BEING SOUR TAKES OFF ALL THE POLISH"

Lemon
* * *

Liked to keep all his shit on.

And so he did.

Lapis.
Moisannite.
Amethyst.

"Cccccccccc'moooooooooon maaaaaaaaaan now read it."

Drunk as fuck.
Acting foolish.
Tugging at silk sleeves.
Fussing with velvet collars.

"Man hold up I'm trynassseethisreplay."

Spat.
Sputtering.
They both are.
Two pissers in a pot.
Short tempers.
Long cars.
In dialogue.
Two pimps in a bar.

Perhaps "procurers."

(If I can't give it to you raw.)

Product from a gnarled hand's cocaine claw.
Outstretched.
Cigarettes haze.
Topics drift.
Gone dazed.
On some other shit.

"Ha."

Talking and talking and talking.
Without eating.
Liquor going down easy.
Easily.
Skinny in suits.
Iceberg thick in the glass.
Scotch and a bitter dash.
A stage filled with moving ass.
Mountainous.
Swaying.
Pink Diamonds lit up.Pink Diamonds
Fuck music playing.
Pumped to a drugged DJ.
Slumping.
Spinning plates.
Bodies bumping.
The fellas ignore it.
Bored with kit.
And cat.
And this.
And that.

"I couldn't give a shit for that mu-zak."

Tired of standing.
"Fuck this music."
Sauce-laden.
Stool-sat.
Candle-lit wastewater landings.

Shouting:

"I better notta shit my pants!"

Bloating.
Bantering.
Decanter drams.
Bedtime stories' demandings.
Messages on Telegram.
Bickering.
A strong hand.
Waves.
Raised like.
Questions in answering.
Fourfingering.
Faded.

"You seen one you seen a million."

He's saying.

Barflies lingering.
"Man."
They're watching sports.
"What the fuck."
Alone from the escorts.
"How the fuck."
Oh—
They'd heard reports.
Of watched men.
From the corners of ballcourts.

"Feds or some shit."

Seee-see tee-vee'd.
And sawn-short.
Surveilled and followed.
Just something to keep in the back of your mind . . .
They moved a little dope too.
It's best to have a portfolio.
You know.

"Damn he bodied the shit out of him!"

(You know.
Remember?)

The replay.

(REMEMBER?)

"No shit. Wow, that's crazy. Wow. Wow. Damn."

"How'n the ffffuck they i'n't call that one?"

"Shit. Fuck."

Wet tongues.
Sotted voice.

"It's all bullshit now."

"You know this shit's rigged. All this shit."

"You bet on it?"

"Hell no. Not unless I know something I'm not supposed to."

"Well you privy?"

"Oh sometimes I do get a little intel."

"I bet."

"What the fuck we were . . . we were . . . we talking about? Shit."

"You were gonna look it up."

"Look up what?"

"The Washington."

"What?"

"George Washington. His teeth."

"Oh shit, you're right."

* * *

"And as I recall, we had a little bit of a . . . proposition."

"You're right."

"What was it? Fifty dollars?"

"A hundred dollars."

"Fifty dollars?"

"A hundred fifty dollars."

"You got a hundred fifty on George Washington's teeth was wood?"

"Indeed I would."

"Is that a yes? I'm about to make a fool outta you."

"You don't even know. You don't know shit. I got two-fifty the teeth's wood."

"Five hundred."

"You want five on it?"

"You start singing I'm gonna beat your ass."

"Shit I'm no informant."

"You know what the fuck I'm talking about."

"Right so five hundred on George Washington's wooden-ass teeth."

"They were slave teeth. Five hundred it's slave teeth."

"Shake on it."

They did.

And thus shuck.

The search begun.

* * *

"I got one-a-these new . . . L M Ms?"

"You got the chatbot? I got one too."

"Who you using?"

"Bunglemug."

"The fuck is Bung - a - mug?"

"I think it's Australian."

"Is it good?"

"No. But I get it to make pictures of that dyke ass DA over in the Tropico District. I make it so she's eating cake, like, yeah, you know, cake, just cake all up over her face."

"Cake? What the fuck? Why?"

"I tried making it cum but it wouldn't let me."

"You shoulda did milk."

"I tried that too but it wouldn't let me."

"Shit. You gotta get on my shit. My shit would let you cum all over. Little amigo would let you spill rope where you pleased. Here, hold up, I'm gonna pull up vBOY."

Shiny ringed fingers' summoning:

vBOY: Late night thoughts got you floating, Pervis?

wha was goerg washin gton teeth

[thinking] [thinking] [thinking] [thinking] [thinking]

I have gathered sufficient information to provide a comprehensive answer about the composition of George Washington's false teeth based on the most recent research. Let me compile the final report.

The Composition of George Washington's False Teeth: Recent Research and Historical Analysis

Executive Summary

The composition of George Washington's dentures represents a complex assemblage of materials that reflects 18th-century dental prosthetics technology and raises significant ethical questions about the exploitation of enslaved people. Recent scholarship (2023-2025) has moved beyond debunking the wooden teeth myth to conduct forensic analyses, ethical examinations, and materials science studies that provide unprecedented insight into these historical artifacts.mountvernon+2

Historical Context and Dental Decline

George Washington began losing teeth at age 24, with his first documented extraction in 1756. By the time of his presidential inauguration in 1789, only one natural tooth remained in his mouth—a premolar that was eventually extracted in 1796 and preserved by his dentist, John Greenwood. Modern historians attribute this severe tooth loss to calomel (mercury(I) chloride), a common medicine used to treat smallpox and other ailments, rather than the popular myth that Washington cracked walnuts with his teeth.owensdental+5

Material Composition: Confirmed Components

Four dentures belonging to Washington survive in museum collections, with the only complete set preserved at Mount Vernon (currently off display as of 2024-2026 for exhibition renovation). Collectively, these dentures incorporate the following materials:mountvernon+3

Organic Materials:

  • Hippopotamus ivory (primary structural material for denture bases)
  • Elephant ivory (alternative base material)
  • Walrus ivory (alternative base material)
  • Human teeth (incisors on lower jaw in two of the four surviving sets)
  • Cow teeth (supplementary dental material)
  • Horse teeth (supplementary dental material)
  • Tiny wood pegs (structural fasteners only—never as the primary denture material)

Metals and Alloys:

  • Lead (base plate construction)emuseum.mountvernon+2
  • Lead-tin alloy (structural framework)health+1
  • Brass (screws and fasteners)wikipedia+2
  • Gold (wire springs, structural elements)mountvernon+2
  • Silver alloy (springs and connectors)mountvernon+1
  • Copper alloy (possibly brass components)[mountvernon]

Advanced Denture Construction by John Greenwood

("John Greenwood. Hahaha. Like the motherfucker from Radiohead. You know?"

"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about."

"Radiohead."

"Like that girl that sucked like everybody's dick in the '90s?"

"No. Man . . .")

John Greenwood, Washington's primary dentist from 1789 until the president's death in 1799, created the most technologically sophisticated dentures of the era. Greenwood's innovations included:drbicuspid+1

  • Beeswax Impression Technique: Greenwood developed a revolutionary method using beeswax to create an impression of the upper jaw, from which he made a die and shaped gold sheet for a well-fitting upper denture.[mountvernon]
  • Spring Mechanism: The dentures employed metal springs (typically gold or silver alloy) to force the upper and lower plates together, creating pressure against the gums to hold them in place. Washington had to clench his jaw to prevent them from springing open.yubacitydentistry+3
  • Natural Tooth Accommodation: Greenwood deliberately left gaps in dentures to preserve Washington's remaining natural teeth, believing that "a dentist should never extract a tooth when there is a possibility of saving it".broadwaydental+3

Ethical and Social Justice Analysis (2025)

The most significant recent scholarship is a 2025 study by Fleming and Neville published in Medical Humanities (March 2025), which uses Washington's complete dentures as a case study to examine dental ethics through a critical diversity lens. Using the "implosion method," the researchers deconstructed the denture artifact to connect it with:pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih+1

  • Settler colonialism
  • Biopolitics and power structures
  • Whiteness and racial capitalism
  • The erasure of enslaved African Americans from historical narrativesbmj+1

This interdisciplinary analysis represents a paradigm shift from purely technical descriptions to critical engagement with the ethical implications of these artifacts.

The Enslaved Persons' Teeth: Evidence and Uncertainty

Mount Vernon plantation records contain a 1784 ledger entry documenting a transaction: "By Cash p[ai]d Negroes for 9 Teeth on Acc[oun]t of the French Dentis [sic] Doctr Lemay [sic]" for 122 shillings. This payment was approximately one-third the market rate advertised in contemporary newspapers for teeth from free individuals.mountvernon+5

Critical Questions Remain Unanswered:

Despite extensive archival research, several fundamental questions remain unresolved:mountvernon+1

  • Were these teeth used in Washington's dentures? No partial dentures from the 1784 period survive. The two complete dentures with human teeth were both made after 1789, making direct connection uncertain.[mountvernon]
  • What happened to the nine teeth? They may have been used by dentist Jean Pierre Le Mayeur for any of his patients in the Alexandria, Virginia area or carried in his itinerant practice.mountvernon+1
  • Which enslaved individuals provided the teeth? Their identities remain unknown, "lost somewhere between window repairs and Nankeen cloth" in Washington's account books.[disgruntledharadrim]
  • Was consent meaningful? While Washington paid for the teeth, enslaved people had no genuine agency to refuse requests from their enslaver.rackham.umich+4

Physical Characteristics and Maintenance Challenges

Appearance and Discoloration:

The hippopotamus ivory base became severely stained from port wine and other beverages, developing a grained appearance that likely spawned the wooden teeth myth. Greenwood emphasized in an 1798 letter that "Port wine being sower takes of[f] all the polish".atxdentistry+5

Functional Limitations:

Washington's dentures caused significant problems:mountvernon+3

  • Chronic pain: Springs and wires rubbed gums raw during speaking and eating
  • Facial disfigurement: Bulging lips and altered facial contours, visible in Gilbert Stuart's 1796 portraitsatxdentistry+2
  • Speech difficulties: Ill-fitting prosthetics affected clear articulation
  • Odor: Ivory absorbed fluids and developed unpleasant smells requiring constant cleaning with chalk, pine sticks, and soaking in brothmountvernon+1

Washington complained in a 1797 letter that his dentures were "already too wide, and too projecting for the parts they rest upon; which causes both upper, and under lip to bulge out, as if swelled".mountvernon+1

Materials Science: Why These Components?

Hippopotamus Ivory:

Hippopotamus ivory was preferred over elephant ivory for denture bases because it is:docronan+3

  • More durable and harder than elephant ivory
  • Easier to carve into complex shapes
  • Less prone to cracking under mechanical stress
  • Better moisture resistance (though still problematic)

However, it suffered from inevitable discoloration, fluid absorption, and odor development over time.drbicuspid+1

Lead and Lead-Tin Alloys:

Lead was used for denture base plates because it was:adaq+1

  • Highly moldable and could be shaped to fit the mouth
  • Dense enough to provide structural integrity
  • Workable with 18th-century metallurgical techniques

Modern toxicological research indicates that lead exposure from dental prosthetics can cause neurological, cardiovascular, and renal damage. Washington's chronic health problems may have been exacerbated by continuous lead exposure from his dentures, though this remains speculative.guides.library.upenn+1

Human Teeth:

Real human teeth provided the most natural appearance and were superior to carved ivory for aesthetic purposes. They were sourced from:leetrevinodental+3

  • Desperate poor individuals selling teeth for cash
  • Enslaved people (as documented in Washington's case)
  • Battlefield dead ("Waterloo teeth" after 1815)revolutionarywarjournal+2

Current Status and Public Accessibility

The only complete set of Washington's dentures at Mount Vernon was temporarily removed from public display in 2024 as part of an extensive exhibit rebuild, with plans to return the artifact to display in 2026. This hiatus coincides with increased scholarly and public attention to the ethical dimensions of these artifacts.mountvernon+2

In 2020, Mount Vernon discontinued sales of a souvenir magnet depicting Washington's dentures following criticism from historians who argued the product misrepresented the narrative by failing to acknowledge the potential use of teeth from enslaved people.thehill+1

Limitations and Research Gaps

Despite recent advances, significant gaps remain in our understanding:

  • No comprehensive materials analysis of Washington's actual dentures using modern spectroscopic techniques (Raman, XRF, µFTIR) has been published.
  • Provenance of human teeth in surviving dentures cannot be definitively traced to specific individuals or sources.
  • Construction chronology remains uncertain—we don't know who made the Mount Vernon dentures or precisely when between 1789 and 1795.[mountvernon]
  • Comparative analysis with other contemporary dentures is limited by the rarity of surviving 18th-century dental prosthetics.

Conclusions

The composition of George Washington's false teeth—hippopotamus ivory, lead, gold, silver, brass, and human teeth (possibly from enslaved individuals)—represents the pinnacle of 18th-century dental prosthetics technology while simultaneously embodying profound ethical failures. Recent research has shifted from purely technical description to critical ethical analysis, centering questions of settler colonialism, racial capitalism, and the erasure of enslaved people from historical narratives.pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih+4

The most recent scholarship (2025) emphasizes that these dentures are "not a mere artefact of history, but are celebrated to show a nation's founding father's connection to a profession," and that celebrating them without acknowledging ethical dilemmas represents a failure to critically engage with history. This represents a significant evolution in how scholars approach these artifacts—not simply as objects of material culture or technological innovation, but as evidence of systemic exploitation requiring sustained critical examination.[pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih]

Future research should prioritize non-destructive spectroscopic analysis of Washington's actual dentures, isotopic analysis of human teeth to determine geographic origins, and continued interdisciplinary engagement with the ethical dimensions of dental history and museum practice.

* * *

"Cracked walnuts with his goddamn teeth!"

"Copper, silver, gold, and brass?"

"Had the damn Olympics in his mouth."

"You think his shit was so fucked up it looked like a podium? All uneven?"

"Probably."

"Horse, cow, walrus, elephant, hippopotamus."
"Sounds like my damn boot collection."

"How the fuck he had pimp teeth?"

"Man had 'em."

"Wine-stained hippopotamus teeth."

"Maybe we should get 'em."

"That can't be legal now."

"Fuck else we do's legal?"

"True. I mean, I pay for my drinks."

"Shit! I paid for your last two damn drinks."

"Well, you can take it out the five hundred you owe me."

"Hell no. They was still wooden."

"But you got the man in there."

"How we know it was slaves?"

"Who else would it be?"

"I don't know, could be a friend. Maybe a friend."

"That's stupid as hell."

"You wouldn't give me one of yours? Not if I needed it? If I was over here, gums gnawing?"

"Stupid."

"I guess I was a fool to consider you a friend, then."

"Only way I'm giving you my fuckin' teeth's if I gotta bite your goddamn nose off."

* * *

"Shit."

"You think George Washington had a real nose?"

"Fuck knows man."

"Maybe he had a metal one."

"You gotta figure his shit was a wig."

"Wasn't it all wigs then?"

"No they had Democrats."

"Shut the fuck up."

"Yeah I think it was all wigs."

"Like everybody was a judge or some shit."

"Some shit."

"Not a good time for natural hair. You'd have matted fur."

"I mean it's not like it was caveman's times."

"You really believe in that shit?"

"What?"

"Cavemen and shit."

"The fuck are you talking about?"

"You really believe that crazy shit?"

"Uh, yes?"

"You think we came from monkeys? Dinosaurs was real? Fuckin' stupid ass."

"I mean I think most of us evolved . . ."

"Hell no."

"Well what's your theory?"

"The devil planted all that shit here. To trick us. To lead us astray."

"How's it worked on you?"

"I feel astrung."